Jokes

red head goes:moo I'm a cow brunette goes: meow I'm a cat blond goes: bark I'm a tree

I used 2 hate weddings..All the old aunties would poke me and say "UR NEXT! UR NEXT!". They soon stopped that when I started doing the same 2 them at funerals!

who's guilty here? a women wakes up and said quick my husbands home, her husband wakes up and jumps out the window.

u son of a biscuit eaten bulldog Wat the french toast u think i wudnt find out bout ur little dodo head cotie queen who r u callen a cotie queen u lint licker!!

says, okay tell me if you heard this one. Why don't witches wear underwear? Give up? To get a better grip on their broom!

Pulled over on the side of the road 2 change a tire, a person driving by pulls over 2 help & asks "gotta flat"? NO I ROTATE MY TIRES EVERY 3000 MILES DUMBA$$

Go to the eye doctor, get an exam, and fill out a prsecription to get new glasses. Hand the prescription of to the lady at the desk who fill sthe order and she asks "Are these for you?"

No, they're for my alter ego, he can't see why people ask stupid questions.

How did the baby cross the road?


...it was stapled to the chicken.

(wrong, but it's my favorite joke of all time.)

One of my nieces was sitting down to do a short recitle for the family, when we all went to her parents' house for hte holiday. Her dad asked her "What are you going to play for us?"

She answered "The theme song to Harry Potter."

He Replies, "The book or the movie?"

Religion is a like a rocking chair.

It's fun to go back and forth while talking to someone...until you realize you're still not going anywhere.

Chinese Lesson 11: I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Q:)Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine chest? A:)so she wouldnt wake the sleeping pills!! LOL

Two peanuts walk into a bar...one of them was a-salted

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartender stunned by this order asks the man, what is the occasion.

The man says, “I’m celebrating in a way.”

The bartender asks the man what he’s celebrating.

The man smiles and says, “I’m celebrating my first Blowjob.”

The bartender says, “Well now, that sure is worth celebrating. Hell, I’ll buy you another shot. It’s on me!

The man says, “No thanks. If 12 shots don’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

What is the difference between a wife and a battery?

A battery has a positive side.

I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison.
The headline said 'Small Medium at Large'.

What do you do when your honey's ex is running around in your back yard screaming and bleeding??Take a DEEP breath...AIM...and fire again

3 dogs are at the vets office. The first dog looks at the second one. "Why are you here?"

"My master left me at home alone for a week. I got mad and shit on the floor, pissed on the TV and I ate the couch. When he got back he said 'I am putting you to sleep'. What are you here for?"

The first dog lowered his head and replied "Pretty similar story. My master left me in the car for two hours and I got pissed off. I pissed on the floor, shit on his seat, then ate his steering wheel. When he got back he said he was gonna put me to sleep."

They both looked to the third dog. "Whats your story?"

"Well, I have the most beautiful master. She vacumes the house naked. Yesterday when she bent over I couldn't help my self, I screwed her senseless."

The other two dogs were astonished. "Now THAT is a good reason to be put to sleep."

The third dog shook his head. "I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

can't stress enough grammar's importance: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!!! hahahaha

What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts cost a dollar and deer nuts are just under a Buck.

Girl goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge. Man behind the counter says "You wanna screw for that hinge?" she replies " No, but I'll blow ya for a toaster!"

Chinese Lesson 7 : I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat

I was in math class and my teacher asked me this:'What comes after 69?' Apparently ' I do' is not the correct answer. I was disappointed in my failure.

"2 eggs boiling in a saucepan! 1 female, 1 male! she turns 2 him &says ' look, i've got a crack!' He replies, 'No point telling me, i'm not even hard